Resolve
by 34G13
Summary: Emotions catch up to Shepard as she carries the weight of the war on her shoulders. Spoilers. See writer's note for full details. One-Shot.
1. Writer's Note

I believe in letting the reader know of my motivations. This particular writer's note may be a bit... rant-full. Feel free to skip over it.

My "cannon" play through involved a Kaidan romance because I had no idea what I was doing and he was there and yeah. Those who have been through this know what I mean when I say I waited a game and a half to continue that romance, and once we have our "Do we really love each other?" conversation _again_, there's not a whole lot more to it.

I ended up rushing the story a bit and let the geth destroy the quarian fleet, not believing in reverting a save just because it wouldn't have felt right. I went to Kaidan, my own mouth still hanging open in disbelief, and all he had was one of his stupid one-liners. I almost punched the screen, wanting more than that after what I felt was one of the most impacting moments of the game.

This is a one-shot depicting something resembling what I wished had happened when I had gone to him after Rannoch. Sorry for my rant. Enjoy!


	2. Resolve

Kaidan stared out his observatory window into the empty void of space. It wasn't _really_ empty, considering all the stars zipping by at faster-than-light speeds, but it _felt_ empty. Everything he did felt empty since the Normandy left the quarian fleet burning in the sky over Rannoch just a few hours ago. It was tragic. It had left him feeling awful about everything, but he kept thinking how _his _feelings and _his _thoughts must have been phenomenally insignificant compared to what Shepard must have been going through. He remembered the blank stare on her face as they sat in the shuttle, dodging through the wreckage of quarian liveships. It was a stare she'd retained since she'd almost thrown herself over the cliff in an attempt to save Tali. The Major's breathing had also stopped in that moment, watching Shepard hang off the edge motionlessly, hoping she had grasped something in her hand. Out of everything that had happened, it wasn't the destruction of the quarian fleet or their loss of Rannoch or even how he imagined Shepard must have been feeling that really got to him. What broke his heart was watching the commander pull herself away from the edge of the cliff empty-handed, that stare having formed on her face.

Of course, upon return to the Normandy, she'd done what Kaidan and probably everyone else had expected of her. She kept her composure, though perhaps a little more distant than normal, and had made her rounds to the crew, checking on everyone, making sure they were alright, getting thoughts on the mission and so forth. Kaidan knew his turn was coming, and although he wanted to see her more than anything else in the universe, he wholeheartedly dreaded the moment she would step through the door.

He heard the soft beeps and the sliding of the doors as they opened and shut, followed by soft, careful, calculated footsteps, stopping about halfway across the room. Slowly, keeping his eyes out the window for as long as he could, Kaidan turned to the commander, who was standing just in front of the couch, her hands folded loosely in front of her. The major took a few steps in Shepard's direction, analyzing her posture, her countenance, everything about her that could give him an indication as to how she felt. Everything about her kept its form, everything except her eyes. Those, too, were composed as always at first, but the longer he stared, the more they changed, the more the outer shell of confidence wore away, like a fuse on a stick of dynamite. First, her lips began to quiver, followed by a shivering throughout her entire body. Finally, the commander collapsed hunched over onto the couch, burying her face in her hands. Kaidan couldn't do anything but sit next to her and let his arm fall across her shoulders, pulling Shepard into himself. She did nothing but cry for a good 15 or 20 minutes before letting her hands fall to her lap. Kaidan took note of the eyeliner running down her cheeks, wondering how a few tears could so easily upset her "indestructable" makeup. As the two sat in silence, Kaidan decided it was probably time for him to say something.

"You aren't the one to blame for what just happened," he said as confidently as he could.

"No. Don't you dare try to tell me that," Shepard fired back, suddenly finding the strength to stand and take a few steps away.

"It's the truth, Shepard. Gerrel wouldn't stop firing-"

"It doesn't matter! _I_ told Legion to upload the code. _I _could have stopped it. _I _sent the quarians to their deaths, not Gerrel."

"And what would happen if you had stopped Legion? The quarians keep firing and destroy the geth? You told me what you heard in their consensus. You've shared all this with me. You did what you thought was right."

"You tell that to the seventeen million quarians that just died as a result of what I thought was right. You tell that to the admirals who fought so hard to give their citizens a home world." Shepard had begun to tear up again. "You tell that... to Tali." Kaidan stood and took a few steps toward Shepard, but she turned away from him in rejection.

"Shepard, how many of those seventeen million quarians do you think wanted that fight? Two admirals, maybe? They called on you to get them out of it, and you did everything you could. You shut down the dreadnaught, but instead of retreating, Gerrel put the fleet back in danger by moving in to destroy it. You rescued Koris to keep the fleet in full strength so they could properly resist and keep as many of their people alive as possible. You... hell, you entered a geth server, you went _inside a machine_! Do you know what a risk that was? But you took that risk for them. And if that isn't enough?" Kaidan forced the commander to turn and face him, placing his hands on her shoulders. "Shepard, you stared down a _reaper_ in their defense." He let go and took a few steps back. "And what did they do? They squandered it. You gave them every chance, and they wouldn't take it." Shepard stared silently at the floor, processing everything Kaidan had said.

"I'm sorry... about Tali," the major spoke again after not receiving any response. "She was a great and reasonable person fighting an unwinnable battle. She was... a good friend to all of us. She made her choice, though, just like her people." Slowly, Shepard took a few steps toward Kaidan, stopping within inches as if she was waiting for something. The major wrapped his arms around her, and soon, she returned the embrace.

"She didn't deserve it, though," Shepard said softly.

"No, she didn't," Kaidan replied, happy having not heard any mention of blame. "But neither did Ashley, Mordin, or Thane. Do you blame yourself for them?"

"No."

"There you go." They stood silently in their embrace for a while longer before separating. Kaidan walked over to the bar and pulled out a bottle of whiskey.

"It's rough, commander. You have more responsibility than any one person has ever been forced to carry. It's not fair. It's not right. But if anyone can win this, it's you. No one is blaming you for the loss of the quarians. You shouldn't blame yourself, either." He carried a half-full shot glass over to the commander and offered it to her. "Shake this off. Put a spin on it. Add it to your drive to win, to defeat the reapers." Slowly, Shepard reached out and took the glass, carefully drinking the contents.

"Thanks, Kaidan. I'm... glad to have you around."

"No problem, Shepard," he said, pulling her in and kissing her forehead. "Let's get your face cleaned up. You look a little ridiculous." The commander smiled and shook her head, following the Major back to the bar.


End file.
